Lately I’ve been feeling very strange. I feel fatigued, drained and a general discontentment. It is a tiredness that permeates every part of my mind and body. I feel numbed by routine, frustrated by reality and burdened by the weight of expectations. I don’t know where my life is going. I worry that I’ll never find what I’m looking for, that my dreams will never come to fruition. I’ve lost enthusiasm for things I used to be passionate about and I’m struggling to regain the joy I once had.
I can’t shake off this gnawing feeling that I’ll never be happy here. It’s something I’ve felt since I was a child and I’m pretty sure that’s not normal or healthy. I thought things would be clearer once I started working but I still feel as lost and aimless as I did when I was 18. For awhile it felt like my life was finally coming together and I relished being a productive member of society. Gradually the stress and grind of a five day work week set in and the days started to pass in a blur. These days all I can think of is the weekend when I can hole up at home and recharge, as sad as that sounds. But come Sunday evening depression sets in as the threat of another Monday looms and my anxiety starts all over again.
I’m only in my mid 20s. I shouldn’t be this pessimistic. Everyone says your 20s are the best years of your life, the period where everything seems magical and anything is possible. Instead of brimming with energy, I feel restless and unmotivated. Some days the urge to lie in bed is so strong and it takes all my willpower and energy to get up and face another day. I’m afraid to go to the doctor because I don’t want to find out that there’s something wrong with me.
I feel ungrateful for complaining because life here is pretty good compared to a lot of other countries, but at the same time I can’t help feeling that everything is just so banal. I think about where I’ll be in ten years time, still living the same sad existence with my family in the same flat, and the thought fills me with dread. Something is missing in my life and the dreams I’ve been having recently only serve to add to my sense of helplessness.
It’s hard to smile these days and I can’t remember the last time I was truly, blissfully happy. I wrote this post in the hope that it would ease some of the angst in me. It’s taken some weight off my shoulders for now but the friction remains. I guess I just have to soldier on and hope things get better.