Dazed and Confused
My heart is heavy. It all started with a declaration and a question I posed to you last week. A declaration of intent and a question that was in response to an offer made around this time last year. We were chatting as we always do when I made the statement and waited, eager to know what you thought. The minutes passed and you did not reply. I figured you were busy at work and went to bed, thinking nothing of it. The next day, I said hi. Again you did not reply. I was surprised and slightly discomfited at this sudden halt in our near daily conversations. The weekend came and went and a new week dawned. I tried again on Tuesday and yesterday and still you remained resolutely mute. I couldn’t believe it. I told myself you were bogged down with work, that you needed time to think about my request, but it was too late to stop the thought that had entered my mind. Could it be that you were ignoring me?
I wonder if we would still be talking to each other normally if I had not said those fateful words last Thursday. I did not know my words would have such damning consequences. Your silence has left me hurt, dazed and confused. I move my cursor over your name and hesitate, wondering if I should click on it to open up a chat window. In the past your status ranged from “idle” to “busy” but that has never stopped us from talking. Now I feel almost afraid to talk to you. The more I long to reach out, the more deafening I feel your silence will become. I know I still maintain a presence in your life. I know I still show up on your contact list and that you didn’t block me. I have never felt so small and insignificant as I do now. The internet, the great connector that brings people together is now a seemingly insurmountable divider, your online status a daily reminder of how close and far apart we really are. Am I merely an afterthought in your consciousness?
It has been a year since we met. I was a visitor from afar, you were and still are a resident. I think back to last winter when your bird died and you were going through health issues and struggling to get back on track. I was there for you offering comfort in my own small way, against the callous odds of distance and timezones. I wonder if you remember that as you wage this newly-imposed vow of silence against me. Do you know the anguish in my heart, the pain your cold shoulder is causing me? It cuts like a knife, deep and unyielding. It is as though I have been orphaned. You have left me stranded and hanging, my emotions at the mercy of your actions. I have let far too many people go, let far too many friendships slacken and dissolve over the years and I cannot bear the thought of losing you.
And so I implore from my corner of the internet to yours:
I miss you. Please talk to me.