February’s Thoughts

by ariddesert87

Been feeling bummed out and low recently for all the usual reasons: lack of money, sterile surroundings and a general restlessness. I’ve mellowed out a lot since my early 20s but angst still remains, rearing its head whenever I feel things aren’t progressing. Funnily enough R once mentioned how I stay so “zen” amidst the frenetic pace of this place.

Work is going ok; I had my review last Friday and I’m expecting to be confirmed for a full-time position soon. After nearly 6 months of being an intern I feel mostly relief that I’ll finally be drawing a proper salary (below the average for a degree holder but as a liberal arts graduate I’ll take what I can get), but also a keen awareness that the pressure to do better will increase.

Spoke recently to two friends who had vastly different experiences with online dating. Still unsure of how I feel about it. I don’t begrudge people for using it, whatever floats their boat, etc. I’m still holding out hope that I’ll meet someone organically, however tiny that possibility is. I’m tired of short term affairs and I’ve given up trying to mould myself to suit someone else’s preferences and ideals. In some ways I am still that quiet, awkward child who never quite fit in, and I doubt I ever will. Wondering if my life is passing me by and if I’m being too passive in leaving these matters to fate.

Had two travel-related dreams this week – surely this a sign from the universe telling me to hop on a plane and get lost? Paris, New York (again!), Berlin, Brazil are calling to me. So many places to explore, will I get to them all?