Thoughts

by ariddesert87

Back here again after a break. Some days I wonder why I keep this blog going, then I remember it’s where I retreat to when I need to get something off my chest. It’s a blank slate for me to fill with my thoughts and feelings, and exists for nobody but myself. I haven’t felt like writing because I already write a lot for work (which partly explains the overdue entry on my trip to Tokyo), and also because of recent events. I’ve moved on from that incident and it’s a bad memory now. I’m thankful I had E to lean on during that difficult time; it was a struggle making it through the day sometimes and having someone I could confide in helped a lot.

My most recent heartache was nowhere as painful as the previous one but it was still disappointing. I wonder how many romantic failures I can take before I declare enough is enough and resign myself to a lifetime of solitude. Some days I wonder if things will ever change, if a connection with another person is possible. I wonder if I’ll ever find my equal, if “the one” even exists. It’s tiring to constantly put myself out there, make an effort to get to know another person and hope that I’m enough and that they’ll take me as I am.

It’s scary how fast the year has gone by; November is here and it’s just a matter of days before we bid 2014 goodbye. With the passing of each month I’m keenly aware that I’m approaching the tail end of my twenties. I don’t fear ageing but I do feel a little sad that I don’t have the same amount of energy I had when I was in my early and mid twenties. Life doesn’t get easier the older I get. From time to time the familiar feelings of whether I’m living up to my potential or doing enough with my life still arise. Uncertainty and self doubt continue to plague me, though I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at dealing with them. When I think about the future, it’s with a curious mix of melancholy, hope and despair. I don’t know where I’ll be five years from now or even next year, but can you ever really know these things?

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