It’s taken me awhile to find the time to write this but I’m finally penning down my thoughts properly. Plus, seeing as it’s the end of the year I feel some reflection is in order. The past few months have been a whirlwind of confusion, hurt, anger and self pity, a self destructive cycle that left me emotionally and physically exhausted to the point of collapse. This was punctured by periods of numbness akin to being sedated. I felt like I was losing my mind at times, and I very nearly did. I’ve carried a tight knot in my heart for a long time and it’s only recently that it has started to loosen, bit by bit. The pain cut deep; an ache so sharp and intense it felt as though a red-hot iron was being pressed against my flesh. Even now, my thoughts will occasionally wander and come to rest on a certain memory before I realise what is happening and force myself out of it. That things end for a reason and people leave, and there is nothing I can do, is only starting to sink in. No amount of analysing or beating myself up will solve anything. The only thing left is to accept it and move on. It’s nothing I don’t already know—I’ve read advice like this a thousand times—but despair has a way of making everything seem hopeless and insurmountable.
My wish for the New Year is to find the strength to let go of the pain and start anew. It might seem like a clichéd thing to say but they’ve never been as urgent or important as now. I know I need to break free from these thoughts that are holding me back. As tired as I am, I need to pick myself up and try again. Someday, the events of the past few months will be a distant memory, like a blurry photograph.
May 2016 herald better things.