I logged in today and discovered a draft that I wrote in October. While reading it, I was reminded of how low I felt back then it seemed as though the light had gone out in the world. Below is the post.
Three months have passed and not much has changed. My heart is still heavy and my spirits low. I don’t dwell on what happened as much as I did at the beginning, but from time to time memories of you invade my conscious and unconscious mind. When I think of you it’s with a pang, a dull ache in a corner of my heart that seems resigned to such occurrences. It’s a sensation I don’t quite know how to handle, something I haven’t felt before. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve found myself replaying happier times in my head and wishing we could go back to how we were. Such thoughts are useless, I know. You’ve moved on with your life. I imagine you’re busy with a new job, jamming sessions on the weekends, meeting friends for a meal or drinks. I wish I too could look ahead to the future instead of regressing into the past. Caught between wishing things could go back to how they were in the past and knowing the futility of such thoughts.
I’ve been struggling to erase you from my mind every single day. I wrote poems and songs and even dabbled in music making to distract myself. I threw myself into work, churning out article after article and staying longer at the office, trying to convince myself it would advance my career. I did everything I could think of to mend the hole in my heart. I started writing a story but I haven’t made much headway after a promising few paragraphs. I joined a few meet up groups in an effort to meet new people. Last weekend, I bought ingredients for chocolate chip cookies which I have yet to bake. Confiding in a few close friends helped but didn’t lessen the pain. It’s up to me to deal with it, I’m the only one who can help myself. I’m doing everything I can think of to move on. I thought that if I filled my time with all these activities, I’d think less and less of you until I stopped thinking about you completely. It hasn’t worked like that. The feeling of emptiness persists like a sad ghost who refuses to return to its grave.
I fear us breaking up has broken me. My heart has sunk and I don’t have the strength to smile some days. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. I’ve always thought about it a lot, but I’ve been thinking with more frequency and urgency in the past few months. I look back at my teenage years and I don’t feel much different than when I was 18. I still have the same anxieties and fears. Still trying to find my place in a world that is harsh and unforgiving. I have never felt so alone as I do now. I have hardly anyone to talk to. My Friday nights are spent at home. I worry that I’m not doing more with my life. That I should be out there meeting people, networking, letting my hair down and having fun. There are times when it all feels too much. I feel so tired all the time. Tired of everything, tired of trying again and again and failing every time.